Retirement

My retirement is tiring. Is that why it's called re-tire-ment? Ark Ark.

I was never this busy when I turned up at the office everyday.

I have to say though, it's the best decision I've made in a long time, maybe ever. OK, maybe it won't seem so wonderful when the pay cheque stops. But then again I've already got my first paid gig; my pocket money.

I'm coaching.

Yes, me. Coaching.

And I'm making films about the planet and other small things like that. That's not paid. Not yet.

I'm not painting and not photographing because I'm too busy. But I will. Oh yes I will.

After twenty years of spreadsheet incarceration I'm just exploding with inspiration.

Chasing Waves

I spend much of my free time chasing waves in the South China Sea.

I try to catch the runners.

Some people wait patiently for them to come from behind, but I chase the waves in front, hoping to be swept up and carried away.

Runners
Oil on Canvas
April 2010

Bullshit Artist

When people ask me what I do, I now reply "I'm an artist". The first few times I felt like a fraud, but I soon got over that. Besides, now it's the truth. Well it will be from next week, because Friday is my last day in the office.

I can't say Friday is my last day of work, because I stopped working about six weeks ago. No, make that six months ago. Still it's the turning up and sitting around that's a drag.

So now I'm an artist, an unemployed hippy bum.

I couldn't be happier.

Duped by dopamine

Depression, melancholy without the creative output. Yes, that's it.

Some people like to be miserable. Maybe I'm one of them. So much easier to create when there's a storm cloud to break through.

I like to be happy too. I like it all.

A chemical imbalance that needs to be corrected, what a load of rot.

Blocked Up

I haven't cried for a few weeks now, not even at Steve's memorial. I'm all blocked up, and so is my painting.

I'm working on a giraffe but it's not working back.

Out of town

I went to Steve's memorial
He's left town.
Whenever I pass the Jockey
I know he's gone.

Sinister

That's more like it. Sinister little bastards.

Oil on sketch paper April 2010.

Chirpy

Convincing but not compelling.

Would it be better without the sea and a simpler sky? Perhaps a bit of green in the foreground? I'll leave it awhile.

Oil on Paper

April 2010

My Place

There's nothing like a sudden death to rattle and shake and put things into perspective. I woke up this morning wondering where I was and which day it was and then I remembered with a thump. It's real. It happened. He's gone.


We talked about emus.



 





"My Place"
Oil on Canvas
50.8cm X 60.9cm
April 2010

Shandy

Steve died this morning. Forty years old. Heart attack.

There are so many things I would like to say about Steve, but right now I can't find them. 


Last Sunday we had a beer, talked about living life to the full, doing things that make us happy; like creating. He looked tired in his frayed denim jacket. Chipped teeth I hadn't noticed before. That was Sunday. Today he's gone.

Kate's husband and Ruby's daddy. I'm so very sorry.

Bye Steve.

He bought me a shandy.

"My shout next time"

As I dashed to catch the 5.40 ferry

Leaving the glass half full.

Half empty.

Mystic Musings

I like to think I'm open minded. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not, but on the advice of a friend, and in the spirit of having nothing to lose, I took myself to see a fortune teller.

That was September last year, when I was really down in the dumps. Here's what she said:

General Spread:
Energy is stuck, major blocking factor is lack of trust in self and others.
Learn to reclaim your own power and voice
Emperor card. Now is the time to confront the person of power More inner peace is coming up
Strong enough to stand up and face him (person of power) directly.
Collect the fruit of everything seeded.
Next 12 Months:
1st part - challenge yourself
Next summer - overseas door opens
Moon Card - Restless and unstable in October, ground yourself
Queen of Pentacles - learn to master the mind, do physical activities and routine outside of work.
January brings a new collaborator.
- Someone new at work with a lot of energy
- New ideas. Will rock the boat for a little while
- Has an unusual energy
- Could shut down and withdraw because this guy presents a challenge
March to April
- This guy will work under me. He is smart and has vision
- I will get a fresh outlook
- My knowledge will grow during the year
May to June
- King of Cups  - represents someone who has helped in the past
- A kind of mentor
- Open up to others
- Learn to be more content with the situation
- New ideas
- Challenge and think outside the box
- It's a what-if game. Act on it.
Summary:
Don't do anything this month (September)
Radical change will come over Summer. It's very good for me and there may be a change of location
Have learned everything there is to learn in Hong Kong
Be inspired

Me and D:
My cards
Moon
- planet is effecting too much
- loosing myself in my emotions
- creative ideas directly leading and creating instability
- get back on track
Sun
- can create out of nothing
- so much potential
Garden
- can create without anyone
- Look at all my potential and find within the power and belief
- Look for someone who compliments my potential
D's cards
He's married, not available
Stuck
A lot he is not telling
Emperor King energy
Already got he best from him but he is stuck in his box and not willing to do anything to change his path. Doesn't have the guts to change.
Put a closure on this
Will never give you what you want
Move onto something else.


There are a lot of guys around
Go out with other people
Be at home and feel safe
Reconnect with yourself

D cannot give you what you want

It is a wake up call, that's all.

Careful what you wish for

Well, it's happened. I've been offered a severance and I'm thrilled and have that pinching myself feeling. I'm going to make a list of all the things I've always wanted to do but not been able to do because I had to go to work.

And more good news. Tomorrow I'm going on holiday to Fiji with a great group of people and not a wanker amongst them.

Unique

Last month I went to South Africa for work and I've been thinking about zebras ever since.

I always thought of them as black and white stripy horses, but not any more. Every zebra is unique and beautiful and a little bit melancholy.

Deco Zeb
Oil on Canvas March 2010

Here she is with her eye lashes and blonde high-lights.

No thanks

Back to Hong Kong tomorrow and this may be my last visit to Dubai. It's not somewhere I would choose for a holiday and the new guy is pretty much up and running in my old job. He's quite OK, pleasant, not stupid, and best of all, he's new. I suspect he has a skeleton or two lurking around, a touch of bipolar or the like, and I don't give a damn. He's in, I'm out and praise be to Allah for that.

All in all it's been a good visit. I've bought some new clothes, eaten very well, met some new people and paddled around the Burj Al Arab.

I've only cried once in the past few weeks and that was yesterday when I received my performance report for last year. The customs officer gave me a low rating, below average; the lowest I've ever had. I didn't go the extra mile or something. I did the job, but I didn't do anything special with it, apparently.

It's not enough these days to meet every deadline, make no errors, answer every stupid question from people who are too lazy to figure it out themselves, travel all over the globe to some less than desirable places (and some very nice ones), help others understand how to do their jobs and do it all quietly and efficiently so that he and his department look good. No, that's not enough.

Now I'm supposed to take a job I can't stand that I've been doing for way too long and make it more dynamic.

I don't believe it for a minute.

It's my punishment for daring to say 'no thanks' when they told me I was moving to Dubai. There's that inability to buckle under thing. Men who should be in uniform really don't like it.

Tell me what you want

My boss's boss, is a man of whom I'm not particularly fond. He makes good use of his Irish charm and is most definitely a company man. If he was an actor, not an accountant, he would be cast as a policeman or moustached customs officer. He needs a uniform. He is very well liked and respected by all but me.

He is the Corporate Controller. Control is something he does very well, as is face slapping. I dread being called into his office, or him popping into mine..."for a chat". There's always a less than subtle thwack to go with the chat. Metaphoric of course, although I'm sure he's the type. I wonder what it says about him that he feels the need to cut me down time after time.


Last week he called me in, sat me down and insisted I tell him what I want. He's looking after my future and doesn't know how to help me because he doesn't know what I want. What I want? What does anyone want? I want to be happy, healthy, love and be loved. And if I can't have that, then I want enough money to pay the mortgage, go on holidays, paint and be left in peace.

He wants me to show "passion and enthusiasm" for my job.

In my standard passive aggressive calm irritating manner reserved for dealing with people from the office, I mouthed:

"I'm enthusiastic. I'm looking forward to doing this project work. I know I'm fortunate (couldn't bring myself to say blessed) to be given time to work out the next stage of my career."

"But where's the passion Polly?"

Did he wanted me to jump up and down and wave my arms?

"Passion? We are talking about accounting."

Oh dear. Back up. Too late. I realised, as the words left my mouth.

I know that what I am supposed to want is what he wants...me to do for him.

He's decided not to give me a sabbatical because, although the VP of Human Resources had told me it was an option, it's "only offered 'with respect' to people who are considered to have potential to make an impact". Slap. Take that.

What do I want? I want him to give me a termination payout and let me go. I don't want to resign because that would make it too easy.

I want him to stop feigning he has my best interests at heart and give me one huge and final slap of cash as I walk out the door.

There, that's what I want.

Things to Come

Who would have thought I would get such a kick out of writing? I was really lousy at English at school, just scraping through HSC with 52%.

I was pretty hopeless at maths too. My grade 6 teacher told my mother I would never make it to high school mathematics.

Well I did make it through tertiary, on to university and topped it all off with an MBA. Hello Mr Budgen. Are you still out there?

That's not to say it was easy for me. I always knew I wasn't stupid, but I found the knuckling down and buckling under the toughest part of learning and, now that I think about it, the toughest part of working.

Thankyou. Bye Bye.

It's not that I'm in any hurry to get back to Hong Kong as such, but I'm really missing painting. I've got a zebra inside of me just chomping to get out.

I've been thinking about which colours will read as black and white; probably dark purple and light blue over an undercoat of burnt sienna. Oh I can't wait to meet that zebra and to finish the kang.

As for Hong Kong, I think we're through.

Thankyou. Bye Bye.

Rumination II

Six months on, and although Channel D is still on loop, the volume is much lower. It's background noise now.

His exile has been to my advantage. But now he's starting to show his face, too arrogant, or is it ashamed, to acknowledge me as more than a passing acquaintance.

If he was the man I thought he was it could have been wonderful. But I was wrong, he isn't and it can't.

Dubai

As I lie here in the sun, with a bowl of exotic nuts and a gin and tonic by my side, I'm staring up at the tallest building in the world and I fancy myself as a rather fortunate woman. I kicked up quite a fuss at being sent to Dubai, just a week after my last business trip to South Africa, but it has turned out to be rather wonderful. Just the get away I needed.

This morning I went paddling with a friend of a friend in the salty torquise sea around the Burj Al Arab. We paddled past a couple of luxury yachts, got shoo'd away from the hotel beach by Pakistani "life savers" and continued on our way towards The Pearl Of Dubai - The Palm.

The weather is glorious at this time of year, still and fragrant.

I'm treating this as a kind of holiday, staying at a first class hotel, lapping it up and all thanks to my employer. I'm here to hand-over the reins of the job that's been sucking me dry for the past five years.

More about the job and the new guy later. For now I'm just going to soak it all up and (don't you hate this expression)....Enjoy!

A manly place, and quite all right, if you like
sipping cocktails on the 62nd floor.
And Russian whores with skinny legs
and bed sores
rubbed raw against the cataflaque
that clads the Burj Khalifa.

Fancy a cuppa?

Never judge a book by its cover. That's all very well, but I judge everyone by their reaction to my Dibbern. I've just bought some, as a birthday present to self.

From Beclau Homewares website.